I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
