i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
