your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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