im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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