there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"