did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends