I just threw up on my dentist
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice