If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
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I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
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I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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