i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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