I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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