So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
