he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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