R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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