You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
