I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's the barista slut.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
