I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
