I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
