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Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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