I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
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Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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