You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
