Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
