make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
