I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
