woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
