i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
