I just pynch a tree in the face
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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