Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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