My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
