You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
