If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
