Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
