And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
