Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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