also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
