Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
