Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
