Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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