OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
