When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
