When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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