You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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