I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
