im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
