we have pet lesbian snakes
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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