Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
