my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
