Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
