Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
