I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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