He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
