you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
