I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
