I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was CRYING into my vagina
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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