Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
