Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
