cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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