I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
