I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
