I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
