That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
