Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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